


Welcome to my life (it's been shattered to pieces)

by LostMyHeartToHim



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Kirk centered, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Past Child Abuse, Songfic, Very slight slash, mentions of Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyHeartToHim/pseuds/LostMyHeartToHim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim doesn't understand the way Spock looks at him. Like he's something precious, someone that should be protected at all costs. Spock looks at him like he is the centre of the universe. And sometimes, when it is just the two of them, Spock would embrace him and whisper Vulcan words into his ear. Las'hark. Sun. That is the name Spock has given him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to my life (it's been shattered to pieces)

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there are typos and grammar errors, sorry. I don't own Star Trek or the song 'Welcome to my life' by Sunrise Avenue.

_This is not really me_

Jim has collected many labels during his young life and most of them aren't really positive. The only one he really feels that somehow describes him is the label of the Captain. But it doesn't fit him perfectly either.

Starfleet Captains are strong, brave and intelligent. He's not strong at all and he doesn't feel very brave either. He wonders how other people would react if they knew him as he really was. Not that he's ever going to take off his cocky mask.

_You're an angel not asking who I am  
You understand_

When Spock arrives at their nightly chess games he never asks why Jim's eyes are red or why his knuckles are bruised. He doesn't ask why Jim sometimes wakes up screaming or doesn't eat almost nothing for a few days. He doesn't ask, but he is always there for him. And Jim likes it that way.

_That is not really you_

Spock isn't nearly as unemotional as he has made himself to be. Jim had suspected it before his death and was sure of it after. Now he kept coaxing Spock out of his shell, when at the same time he himself kept Spock at arm's length.

_You look at me as if I'm something more_

Jim doesn't understand the way Spock looks at him. Like he's something precious, someone that should be protected at all costs. Spock looks at him like he is the centre of the universe. And sometimes, when it is just the two of them, Spock would embrace him and whisper Vulcan words into his ear. _Las'hark_. Sun. That is the name Spock has given him.

It makes Jim uncomfortable, because no one should look at him like that and call him the Sun. Because he's not the Sun, he's a black void that fills everyone who comes near enough with emptiness before pulling them to their destruction.

_Well dream on_

_Welcome to my life  
You see it is not easy_

Jim's life has never been really easy. As a child he had had to live with an abusive bastard like Frank, only seeing his mother a few times. His brother's presence hadn't helped either. Sam had always blamed Jim for driving their mother away. Then Sam had left and things had gotten even worse than they were before. Frank had become more abusive and eventually he had started using Jim sexually.

(Jim could still remember the first time as clear as a day. He remembers the feel of Frank's weight over him, the tearing pain and the smell of sweat and cologne and come.)

_But I'm doing all right_

He's fine now. No, really. He is fine. He has everything he has ever dreamed about and more. He's fine.

_Welcome to my dream  
It's the only one who needs me_

Sometimes he walks around the ship at night wondering if this isn't just some bizarre dream. The Enterprise surely is a dream. The dream of his battered childhood. And she is the only one that truly needs him as much as he needs her.

_And stays right by my side_

 

_Welcome to my wonderland_

Space is so wide and full of possibilities and wonders that are just waiting to be found. And Jim is damned if he isn't going to explore it as much as possible before he has to go back to the Earth to the meaningless life he has left behind. Maybe he wouldn't have to do that. He could die here, surrounded by the stars.

_It'll take time to find out where we stand  
In all this mess_

Jim isn't sure what he and Spock are exactly. He only knows that Spock isn't with Uhura anymore and that he holds Jim at nights when he needs someone to be there to tell him that he is real. That this is all real.

_There was the first day for me too_   
_And I had no guide and I was lost like you  
I still am_

He still felt lost sometimes. He still drank and took unnecessary risks, even though he felt guilty afterwards when he saw Spock's concern stricken face.

_But it makes me feel alive_

 

_Welcome to my life  
You see it is not easy_

When Frank had sent him to Tarsus IV Jim had been relieved. He had thought that that he had finally gotten away and could start living without the everyday fear. Ironically his first months at the colony had been the happiest months of his life. His happiness had been short-lived when the colony had run out of food and the madness had begun.

They had been called to the square where they had listened to the madman giving a speech of how it was necessary to end their lives for the others. ( _Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death_.)

He remembers the screaming and the phaser blasts. He remembers running and hiding with the other children. And he remembers the hunger and the smell of burning flesh.

(He couldn't even look at meat anymore without feeling sick.)

_But I'm doing all right_

Few nightmares here and there and occasional panic attacks didn't mean anything. It wasn't like he allowed them to interfere with his job. And if he still didn't eat meat and sometimes he didn't eat at all, it had nothing to do with Tarsus, okay?

 

_Once upon a time there was a guy_

_Who thought life is a joyride of ladies and red wine_

He likes sex. With women and men both (but he was never ever submissive, couldn't be). But he just hadn't been the relationships kind of guy until Spock, so he had never really dated anyone before him. The whole situation is kinda freaking him out, but when Spock kisses him he thinks that could get used to this, whatever it is.

_He was so sure he'd get the prices and the glory with his rhymes_

He had been arrogant, yes. He hadn't believed in no-win scenarios, couldn't have let himself to believe in them. He had thought that death was for other people. (You couldn't really blame him, he had tried to die so many times) But that was until the slow death from radiation poisoning and the cold glass under his palm and the tears and ' _because you are my friend_ ' and the blackness, the emptiness.

_He'd never need no one to be there beside him_

He had never had friends before Bones, no lovers who stayed overnight before Spock. He hadn't needed anyone. At least that was what he had told himself.

_Now they're all surrounding me and I feel lonely_

Now he had a family, a best friend and a lover that was so much more than just a lover. But that didn't stop him form feeling lonely. Somehow, he felt even more alone than ever before.

_So lonely_

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love! :)


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